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A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?
5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?
17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?
21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.
If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China.
You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.
If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.
You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.
You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control...your face will do just fine.
You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.
You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.
You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.
You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.
You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.
Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.
You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.
You're so ugly, every time your mother looks at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've
just given head."
I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother grazing in the field.
You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.
You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.
You're so ugly, you make onions cry.
You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.
You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.
You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job.
You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you.
You're so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet.
You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.
You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.
You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.
You're so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.
You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.
You're so ugly, you give Freddy Kruegger nightmares.
You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.
You're so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let you out.
You're so ugly, you can't get a date off the calendar.
You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike.
You're so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing.
You're so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.
You're so ugly, that you can turn milk into yogurt, just by looking at it.
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